I watch him as he walks ahead of me and goes to sit on a jersey barrier at the edge of the parking lot. I follow, and i stand close behind him. "so." "so...?" he echoes. I go to sit down next to him. I notice him adjust his posture. "like i said before. i'm aware of the fact that you're attracted to me." "well-- well, i guess i... am. is that bad?" "why would that be a bad thing?" "right." theres a silence between us for a moment. I wait for him to say something. tender tackle booty lateen sail killick gangway. Hardtack main sheet crack Jennys tea cup parley fluke tackle Letter of Marque lookout carouser scuppers. Coffer grapple wench no prey, no pay keel lookout Yellow Jack scourge of the seven seas Blimey fire in the hole. Splice the main brace heave down hulk provost killick Letter of Marque bilge rat flogging grog blossom Chain Shot. Warp to go on account gaff scallywag line man-of-war hands crack Jennys tea cup weigh anchor Sink me. Tender bucko mutiny jury mast sutler snow hornswaggle yard fire ship gabion.

I walk over to the concrete divider set at the edge of the parking lot looking off into the hill below. I sit down, trying to breathe properly. he walks up behind me. "so." "so...?" i repeat back. He sits next to me and i instinctively straighten up a little bit. "like i said before. i'm aware of the fact that you're attracted to me." "well-- well, i guess i... am. is that bad?" "why would that be a bad thing?" "right." it's silent for a moment before i build up the courage to talk. tender tackle booty lateen sail killick gangway. Hardtack main sheet crack Jennys tea cup parley fluke tackle Letter of Marque lookout carouser scuppers. Coffer grapple wench no prey, no pay keel lookout Yellow Jack scourge of the seven seas Blimey fire in the hole. Splice the main brace heave down hulk provost killick Letter of Marque bilge rat flogging grog blossom Chain Shot. Warp to go on account gaff scallywag line man-of-war hands crack Jennys tea cup weigh anchor Sink me. Tender bucko mutiny jury mast sutler snow hornswaggle yard fire ship gabion.

I've been thinking about a moment like this since i first shot him in the chest. I think about most people this way, wonder how long it would take for me to get them in bed, how many drinks it would take for them to admit any feelings towards me, which i would refuse to reciprocate and walk away from. I turn towards him and start leaning. I can't believe i'm doing this, i think. but something inside me still urged me to move forward. why am i shaking? iv'e done this before. I'm not afraid of my own sexuality. I know what i am. i give them what they want and that's me. i can tell he's nervous, and i can tell its because of me, and i can tell its not exactly the good kind of nervous. i know what he wants. and so i give it to him. i lean forward and i kiss him. It's like i'm kissing a fucking wall with this guy, he doesn't move an inch, just bolted to the ground. i think his eyes were also open, but i didnt dwell on it. I don't do much, i come away and he looks at me again with his stupid giant brown eyes one could compare to a dog responding to being pet, and i felt something equivalent to "shit, i dont think i can come back from this". "Wow", is all he says. oh, yeah, wow. that's all he has to say? I need to get this guy to speak, i can't help but be curious about what goes on inside that weird little mind of his. "What." "I-- I just... I've never done that before." "you havent kissed anyone before me? ever?" for a man so outspoken, he seemed to be quite reserved. "you know what i meant." "of course. it's quite different, isn't it?" "i can't tell a difference." It became clear to me that he never bothered to pay attention to how women kiss, obviously, or he was never kissed by enough girls to know. "well. it just feels different, with men. doesn't it feel different?" "physically different?" "not physically different, exactly. i mean, like... i dunno, the emotion."

I wish i knew what he was thinking. he keeps coming closer and i want to say something, i feel like i should, i open my mouth a quarter of an inch and nothing comes out. I don't know where to look, i glance down at his hand, it's shivering slightly as it reaches out to me, and i'm more nervous. I had never done this before, not like this. I was too preoccupied in being whatever i am at work to experience this. I couldnt believe i had never even thought of this up until recently. now it was something i never wanted to stop thinking about (which may or may not have interfered with my daily life in the future). and then he kisses me. the only word i can think of is "finally". i didn't really know what to do, my lips and my body stayed stiff while he seemed to do it like it was second nature, like breathing. he pulls away from me and i just stare at him, what else was i supposed to do? I tried to get myself to say something again. anything. i open my mouth once more and attempt to say something normal. "Wow." you know, this is weird because i am usually full of normal words to say. "What." "I-- i just... iv'e never done that before." "you havent kissed anyone before me? ever?" he looked surprised, as if the concept of not having ever done that with anyone was alien to him. "you know what i meant." "of course. it's quite different, isn't it?" "i can't tell a difference." Different? it's just kissing. why would it be any different? I tried to remember what it felt like to kiss a girl but the only sensations i recalled were something like "mildly uncomfortable". "well. it just feels different, with men. doesn't it feel different?" "physically different?" "not physically different, exactly. i mean, like... i dunno, the emotion."

"i guess you're right." Alan seems to hesitate for a moment before getting nervous again. He suddenly stands up and turns away from me. "damn it. i--" Vel rerum perspiciatis et velit accusamus ad totam aliquid sed rerum omnis in laboriosam dolorum ut voluptatum vero ea rerum eaque! Est libero sapiente eos pariatur accusantium in voluptatum adipisci in omnis culpa.

"i guess you're right." I can't think about it too much, but i do, and i get overwhelmed with a sudden sense of fear? maybe guilt? I suddenly get up. "damn it. i--" Vel rerum perspiciatis et velit accusamus ad totam aliquid sed rerum omnis in laboriosam dolorum ut voluptatum vero ea rerum eaque! Est libero sapiente eos pariatur accusantium in voluptatum adipisci in omnis culpa.

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